Life, and response to Laura, and basically a diary entry like thing

I have found that lately I've been depressed.
It's not just because of the incident with my mother, and the fact that I don't really have a life outside of doing schoolwork and studying and piano practicing... but it's like a reoccurring thought about how unhappy I was in the second half 2008.

I not only had reoccurring thoughts in my mind about how useless my life seemed, but I also didn't feel like I was benefiting from anything I was doing...
nothing was making me unbelievably happy.

It's pretty easy to feel semi-happy at school. I mean there are people you like there, yeah?
I can definitely say I feel happy about people, but it's not something that lasts.

I feel like my connections with people are failing, and that people don't know who I am.
I'm really not sure I even know who the hell I am.

There's Danielle. She's my best friend, and she tries to make me look at things positively. And I try to at least try her advice. She does help me out, and she really is important to me, but sometimes I feel like I'm not a friend. I feel bad because I don't think that I really act like a friend. I feel like I act like a cold person with no emotion, but that has been an on and off thing.

Then there's people like Lizzy, who I was undeniable and insanely close with, and it really kills me to be reminded that I have not seriously talked to her about life since last school year. It really kills me that I haven't hung out with her when last year we spent nearly every living moment with e/o (exaggerated, but close). I hate how that fell apart, because she was really an inspiration to me, and she really is a friend in a different way. She gave me a friendship that was more liberating than others. When I say this, I mean, there was something about our relationship that made me feel happier about my life- but she was not the only factor to me feeling happy.

Now today I thought about how I hate how life is like this:
1. you go to school to get a good education and to do well so that you can go to college
2. then you spend money that you'll still be spending even after college ON college to get a good job
3. then you work the rest of your life to pay for your kids to do the same
4. and then you grow old and people may respect you, but it isn't for the right reasons all the time...

I just... I hate this.
It's what I'm aiming for.. a good college, a satisfying job, a good future.
But I've realized that that life is not something I really want.

I wish there was a better alternative than college.
Or that college could be done differently, because to be honest, I think my mind does not work in the ways that general education is taught for.. ugh that was a weird not-make-sense sentence.

I need something different than that life.

I look for living to the fullest, but there is nothing right now for me to do.
I cannot transport myself due to lack of car, and Washington having a horrible public transport system as opposed to Switzerland and European countries, and school is not doing anything for me. I have no passion in what we are learning and it's really hard for me to really sit there and try to learn when I have an indifference for it. I know that, like in math, I need to do precalculus so that I can build the neurons in my brain so come adulthood I can fit enough knowledge in my head... but I cannot bring myself to be motivated. That is my problem.

I have little motivation in my life, and therefore I feel purposeless.
I'm aware of the glories of finishing hw, and how stressed I'd be if I didn't otherwise, but I still cannot bring myself to do it, and it's very continuous.

Yes, I love my culture and film class, but lets be honest. . . that class has not taught me anything that I couldn't have researched on my own in a few days. . . it's an amazing class, but I could have passed it in 7th grade even though it's considered a 'senior social studies elective'

Today, I explained to Danielle that I needed something that was adventurous and wild and different. Otherwise, I could not last in this place. I am trapped. I am not happy with my life, and I feel that I have not accomplished enough things, and for a teenager, I have not really had many experiences to look back on. I cannot look in my first 2 years at high school so far and say that I really 'lived it up.' All I've done was procrastinated and done homework and piano and not really anything that makes me feel like I'm not a boring, unoriginal, not unique person.

I feel like I wasted my life for the past 5 years.
I think I did more living when I was in elementary and preschool!

But after going through the levels of disappointment in life of all this with Danielle I went home and didn't do my homework, and decided to just sit around and sit in the emptiness of my room.
I did that for at least 3 hours, and I was sleeping when Laura called.

She has planned a full day together, and much of it in Seattle. This, I felt, was like a message from God, because the other day I was talking at God (not really praying to, just talking at) about how I felt there was less joy in my lifestyle than I could handle. . . and that it was tearing me apart. And that I am capable to be thankful for what I have, but not happy about how I was living or who I was and that I needed some kind of liberation to motivate me to stay alive and keep breathing and keep going on without a depression- and Laura gave me a pint of liberation for unhappiness in one way or another. I recently asked her if we could go do things together, because I felt like it would make me happier, and because it was a goal of mine to become more involved in friendships... and the same day that (today/ well its' 12 am so yesterday...) I broke down about how useless I felt, my friend calls me and gives me some hope that I can actually have life because of her adventure. And it makes me so thankful that even though we don't hang out much, on her 17th birthday she wants it to be with me.

I mean, who does that?

It really makes me feel special, and it makes me feel like there will be enough inspiration from our exploration trip to hold me together for a bit, and that's really a good thing...

I'm really sorry for this being long; I just kept typing as my thoughts were coming. And I don't think I need to organize it. I know some of my thoughts conflict with others, and that what I typed may have been contradicting and made no sense, but my brain doesn't make sense, and I don't need to organize it, I just need to get it out of my head and down onto somewhere- you know? It doesn't need to all match up, it just needs to leave my head.

Thanks for reading. Sorry again for the length..just one of those days

I also realize I jump from point to point/ subject matter to subject matter but that does not matter due to my current mixed conditions..