Confirmation Retreat

So, I went on a confirmation retreat this weekend.

Besides being one of like 4 public school kids
immersed in private school religious geniuses,
it was amazing.

Some of the elements in the trip could have been redone,
but overall I had a good time.

Indeed, I met some new people- and that is always a plus.
I plugged in some new numbers into my cell phone,
and I shared some good stuff with some good people.

I reel spiritually rejuvenated and renewed, and
it's really refreshing.

Vids!

Slowly but surely I'm getting better at editing videos
and making jump cuts :)

I've made a few new uns in the past two days,
and I'm very happy with my progress.

It is always nice to learn and improve on something new.
Not only am I receiving brain stimulation from doing something new-
but I am also having fun doing it.

That is all that matters.

Daily happening as I know it.

Today I had church.
You know, not bad.

I do like going to church... or excuse me, I do like going to mass.
Sometimes I get something out of it, and other times I just listen and search for something.
I definitely cannot say I'm one of those really religious Catholics though.

Although I am getting confirmed this year, there's part of me who feels bad about it because I have not done too much to deserve it... Nobody is perfect, yeah, but I would like to be at the least- acceptable as a Catholic. Ah well. What can you do?

The time will come if I just wait; but at the same time I must try to change so that something will actually happen.

Today at confirmation, my fellow peers and I made 200 lunch sacks for homeless people. It really was pretty fun. I personally like food and lunch packing. Raisins, Capri Suns, prayer cards, crackers, vienna sausages, and gifts included too.... It was pretty awesome, and I hope that it brings joy to the people who really are less fortunate than me- possession wise.

That is it.

Tomorrow

It will be a pretty successful day tomorrow.
At the least... I am telling myself this.

I'm going on a hike around 7.
Then I will decide what to do with myself...

partial lie-> I've already made a list of everything I want to accomplish- I'll work on that.

The world

Is looking a little meh...

I'm having some irresponsible troubles with scheduling life right now.
I'm booked to go to a confirmation 'retreat' thing, but also have a solo ensemble performance the same weekend..

and the confirmation thing is mandatory- and so now I have to drop the solo ensemble...
that makes me feel really bad, because the competition is next week- and there's two sopranos, two altos and two second sopranos, and I'm one of the two sopranos....

so now if they choose to keep competing, there will be yet only one soprano.
Sooo that sucks... still haven't told my instructor...

ehhh.

It was my fault actually, I should have checked my calendar before I made another 'commitment' (which is no longer)...

Hey, it's life.
And the choir club is not a class for me, so it's not like I'm going to get an F for not attending or anything.

Although I am pretty beat up about this, I choose to look at it in a different way that makes me feel better.

I like the Catholic religion although I may not agree completely with everything....
I do not want to have to do confirmation class AGAIN next year just because I didn't show up to a mandatory thing... because then I'd have to pay another 100 bucks for admission to the confirmation class again, and my friends are with me right now... next year I won't have friends in the class. I also sacrificed some extracurricular things to be confirmed. Two shows... a school production and a main stage production. That really sucks, but God and Jesus are the way to go right?

Anyways that is what I'll end with.

did it

put up the video of Laura and my adventure day.

Check it out yo

http://www.youtube.com/atiugapmas1

got over it

I guess, w/e.
You can't hold a grudge on a mom.
At least I can't.

And this will just be a challenge for me to create my own adventures...

Anyways, Laura and I went to Seattle yesterday,
and basically it was pretty damn awesome.

I meant to upload a video about it this morning,
but my dad's comp doesn't have some video software that is needed
so it may be awhile before I actually upload it..
no big.

Video will be up sometime soon...hopefully tonight

Day.

It's been still miserable,
but there's only tomorrow left until Saturday,
and honestly, the Seattle outing with Laura is the only thing I'm
looking forward to for life.

Unfortunately because of my conditions
I have failed to do any homework these past 2 days.

I just felt unmotivated, so I simply did not do anything.
I didn't even really do anything to make up for the time I wasn't
doing my homework, when I wasn't typing up a blog
I was just sitting in my room looking blankly at my wall... and that was it.

Whatever.

I have not eaten dinner with the family for 3 days.
And I won't have it with my mom for another 3 days, which I'm thankful for,
because she doesn't know how to talk to a daughter,
she never has..

we never had those mother daughter talks like normal families even when I was little.

And that's why I never talk to her now probably.
Personally I'm not willing to. I've tried before and I even said "listen to what I am trying to explain" and she did not comply at all, so I throw it away. Don't care.

I'd rather live with my dad because I actually can talk to him about personal stuff better, to some degree I think.

So, fuck it I guess.
I've got other things to live for besides college and future jobs.
I'd rather not go to college and instead just work and travel and live spontaneously that way. That would make me more happy after high school.

Life, and response to Laura, and basically a diary entry like thing

I have found that lately I've been depressed.
It's not just because of the incident with my mother, and the fact that I don't really have a life outside of doing schoolwork and studying and piano practicing... but it's like a reoccurring thought about how unhappy I was in the second half 2008.

I not only had reoccurring thoughts in my mind about how useless my life seemed, but I also didn't feel like I was benefiting from anything I was doing...
nothing was making me unbelievably happy.

It's pretty easy to feel semi-happy at school. I mean there are people you like there, yeah?
I can definitely say I feel happy about people, but it's not something that lasts.

I feel like my connections with people are failing, and that people don't know who I am.
I'm really not sure I even know who the hell I am.

There's Danielle. She's my best friend, and she tries to make me look at things positively. And I try to at least try her advice. She does help me out, and she really is important to me, but sometimes I feel like I'm not a friend. I feel bad because I don't think that I really act like a friend. I feel like I act like a cold person with no emotion, but that has been an on and off thing.

Then there's people like Lizzy, who I was undeniable and insanely close with, and it really kills me to be reminded that I have not seriously talked to her about life since last school year. It really kills me that I haven't hung out with her when last year we spent nearly every living moment with e/o (exaggerated, but close). I hate how that fell apart, because she was really an inspiration to me, and she really is a friend in a different way. She gave me a friendship that was more liberating than others. When I say this, I mean, there was something about our relationship that made me feel happier about my life- but she was not the only factor to me feeling happy.

Now today I thought about how I hate how life is like this:
1. you go to school to get a good education and to do well so that you can go to college
2. then you spend money that you'll still be spending even after college ON college to get a good job
3. then you work the rest of your life to pay for your kids to do the same
4. and then you grow old and people may respect you, but it isn't for the right reasons all the time...

I just... I hate this.
It's what I'm aiming for.. a good college, a satisfying job, a good future.
But I've realized that that life is not something I really want.

I wish there was a better alternative than college.
Or that college could be done differently, because to be honest, I think my mind does not work in the ways that general education is taught for.. ugh that was a weird not-make-sense sentence.

I need something different than that life.

I look for living to the fullest, but there is nothing right now for me to do.
I cannot transport myself due to lack of car, and Washington having a horrible public transport system as opposed to Switzerland and European countries, and school is not doing anything for me. I have no passion in what we are learning and it's really hard for me to really sit there and try to learn when I have an indifference for it. I know that, like in math, I need to do precalculus so that I can build the neurons in my brain so come adulthood I can fit enough knowledge in my head... but I cannot bring myself to be motivated. That is my problem.

I have little motivation in my life, and therefore I feel purposeless.
I'm aware of the glories of finishing hw, and how stressed I'd be if I didn't otherwise, but I still cannot bring myself to do it, and it's very continuous.

Yes, I love my culture and film class, but lets be honest. . . that class has not taught me anything that I couldn't have researched on my own in a few days. . . it's an amazing class, but I could have passed it in 7th grade even though it's considered a 'senior social studies elective'

Today, I explained to Danielle that I needed something that was adventurous and wild and different. Otherwise, I could not last in this place. I am trapped. I am not happy with my life, and I feel that I have not accomplished enough things, and for a teenager, I have not really had many experiences to look back on. I cannot look in my first 2 years at high school so far and say that I really 'lived it up.' All I've done was procrastinated and done homework and piano and not really anything that makes me feel like I'm not a boring, unoriginal, not unique person.

I feel like I wasted my life for the past 5 years.
I think I did more living when I was in elementary and preschool!

But after going through the levels of disappointment in life of all this with Danielle I went home and didn't do my homework, and decided to just sit around and sit in the emptiness of my room.
I did that for at least 3 hours, and I was sleeping when Laura called.

She has planned a full day together, and much of it in Seattle. This, I felt, was like a message from God, because the other day I was talking at God (not really praying to, just talking at) about how I felt there was less joy in my lifestyle than I could handle. . . and that it was tearing me apart. And that I am capable to be thankful for what I have, but not happy about how I was living or who I was and that I needed some kind of liberation to motivate me to stay alive and keep breathing and keep going on without a depression- and Laura gave me a pint of liberation for unhappiness in one way or another. I recently asked her if we could go do things together, because I felt like it would make me happier, and because it was a goal of mine to become more involved in friendships... and the same day that (today/ well its' 12 am so yesterday...) I broke down about how useless I felt, my friend calls me and gives me some hope that I can actually have life because of her adventure. And it makes me so thankful that even though we don't hang out much, on her 17th birthday she wants it to be with me.

I mean, who does that?

It really makes me feel special, and it makes me feel like there will be enough inspiration from our exploration trip to hold me together for a bit, and that's really a good thing...

I'm really sorry for this being long; I just kept typing as my thoughts were coming. And I don't think I need to organize it. I know some of my thoughts conflict with others, and that what I typed may have been contradicting and made no sense, but my brain doesn't make sense, and I don't need to organize it, I just need to get it out of my head and down onto somewhere- you know? It doesn't need to all match up, it just needs to leave my head.

Thanks for reading. Sorry again for the length..just one of those days

I also realize I jump from point to point/ subject matter to subject matter but that does not matter due to my current mixed conditions..

dissappointment.

My mom doesn't think that I can handle being in
a school show, AND do my homework.

She thinks that it will ruin me when it comes to sending in college applications
because I won't have time to study or do homework when I'm doing drama...

This was her same excuse last year, and it makes me feel unsatisfied with my life.
If I can't do the things I like, what is the point of living?

No, I'm not gonna off myself, but to live is a big thing,
and you have to take risks and live life to the fullest.

Being in a school show is something I haven't done yet (in high school),
and this year I want to do things that I had never done...
I want to test the waters everywhere,

and I'm just dissappointed and borderline upset that I am being restricted.
It's my life isn't it?
I'm already kept from some joys of teenagehood:
-driving
-hanging out with friends
-partying
-leaving my house to go do something
-sports that require money to be paid
-dating

I think that it is reasonable for me to request to my mother that I would like to do a friggin school show. I do not expect a high role... I just want to tryout.

Maybe I'll forge the parent signature.

How scary is Monday?

Monday is very scary.

This is because Monday is a B-day.
On B-days I have pre-calc 8th period.
On Monday, in pre-calc I have a test.
Generally, I am not a math person.
Also, I have a deathly fear of numbers unless they are on dates, calendars, or dollar bills.

Ugh.

The good thing is that Mr. Teacher is going to
drop our worst test score... and I've done swell on the other tests,
but this topic that I will be tested on Monday is not so swell.



But in happier news,
I finished reading Huck Finn.
The ending area was surprising, but I am very happy with the book, and happy that I don't have to cram read Sunday night!

Also, I am nearly finished with the culture and film project.

Just need a movie summary.
That's it!

Apparently a good day

Well then.

I planned out my day today.
When I say this, I mean, I REALLY planned out my day...
here's some stuff from my life planner:

12:00pm-2pm Finish Ian McKellen paper (2 pgs and content sheet)

break

3:15-3:20pm Print out AP Online Lab Rubric and directions

3:20-3:45 skim through LOTR movie info book and note areas for later reading

3:50-4pm Make atleast 1 DWS Postcard


Holy cannoli man..
I got through every single thing on my list today.
My agenda has check marks of FINISHED all over it.

I even uploaded a video to my YouTube account.

And I feel really good about myself now.

I'm going to go to dinner with Laura's family, where I will definitely be likely to share my enthusiasm about how much of a non-procrastinator I've been today

(So you'll hear about this twice prolly Laura, since you may stumble upon it here)


Besides that, I'm ready for a new start on my life.
It's now 2009, and I've started my first day great, and I'm hoping to make it like that every day possible.

The reality says that there will be those really un-awesome days, but besides that, I have no clue when those will be, and I'm going to sincerely try to do something with myself every day that includes being academically productive... whether that means I learn a new word and use it a whole bunch, or if I complete a project a week before it is actually due :)